Opinion by Abby Beauregard
“It’s so hard to be single on Valentine’s Day.”
Seriously? Get over it. There are children dying in Africa and here you are, complaining because you aren’t going to receive bad chocolate and a cheap teddy bear from some guy you’ll probably be embarrassed you dated in ten years. Okay, more realistically, a few months.
“But it’s Valentine’s Day!”
Valentine’s Day is not a major holiday. It’s a Hallmark holiday- a holiday created out of pure capitalistic greed. Okay, maybe not, but it’s definitely not Christmas. People would feel bad if you were a poor, cold kid celebrating Christmas. But alas, you are not Tiny Tim and need to recognize that your life’s probably pretty good.
“But I might find true love in high school!”
Do you really want the man of your dreams to be someone you met in high school? Have you ever seen a high school boy? Do you really take pleasure in sock and slides combos, pitiful facial hair, and texts consistently merely of “K” and “What would you be doing if I was there haha ;)?”
Have some confidence in yourselves ladies. Instead of waiting for some loser to take you to a mediocre dinner, take youself. Put on some mascara, wear a cute outfit, and refuse to lower your standards. You’re not defined by your lack of a Valentine.
Guys, you’re also not defined by your lack of a Valentine. There’s absolutely nothing special about February 14th, but in accordance with “the rules” society dictates you must do the following:
Step One: You’ll need a gift. Some girls like cheesy gifts, some girls laugh in the faces of girls who like cheesy. It’s up to you to decide which girl your Valentine is. Nice flowers and good chocolate are always a good idea. No, Hershey’s is not “good chocolate”. You know those little Lindt truffles you can get? Get those.
“But those cost more.” Pro tip- she doesn’t care. Buy them.
Step Two: Say something that shows you care. Possible examples include:
“Your eyebrows are always on point.”
“Have I ever told you that you remind me of (insert Beyonce, Serena van der Woodsen, or Hermione Granger’s name here)?”
“Why are you not a Victoria’s Secret Angel?”
“I’ll dump your tray for you.”
Step Three: Make reservations for dinner at a nice restaurant.
“But her favorite restaurant is Chick-Fil-A.” Her favorite food could come from a dumpster and that would still not be an appropriate place for Valentine’s Day dinner.
Now you’re probably thinking, how am I going to afford all of this?
Sell your kidney. You only need one anyways.